Confession: I've been afraid to post anything on here related to pregnancy due to an unfounded fear of my son being all "Muh-om! Gawd, you're soo embarrassing!".
As though I could ever escape that.
The truth is, being pregnant is weird.
That's the best I can come up with. Seriously. I've lived in a pregnant state for the last 29 weeks and all I can say is that it's weird.
Also, I can't post anything without mentioning that I'm pregnant. If I'm talking about me, I'm talking about being pregnant. And sometimes it gets old. I like to pretend that I'm more than just a human oven (Ok, yeah, that sounds Hansel and Gretel meet the Nazis gross. Sorry.)
Being pregnant consumes me.
I mean, discovering that my body has hidden talents, like peeing on command and growing a life is cool and all. Too often they get negated by my other talents: smelling everything and puking for no good reason.
I think I started showing when I was about 20 minutes pregnant. And to all of the kind people who point out that I am "reaaally big, and I am I sure there's only one, and oh my goodness I'm just sooo freaking huge!":
Shut Up.
Also, I am not about to "pop". That makes me sound like I belong in the diner in Spaceballs. And there ain't no way you'll find me there.
Ever.
I would have been really excited about my growing tits if I didn't have a melon of growing proportions stuffed under my shirt at the same time. I feel cheated out of my Playmate of the Year moment. I understand the next step is for them to be saggy and leaky.
Note to National Geographic: thanks for skipping the leaky part.
I'm also starting to feel cheated out of my maternity clothes. Yeah, the ones I just bought. My belly is peeking out of the bottom of maternity t shirts. And shoes? I'm pretending that it doesn't matter that I have exactly one pair of shoes that fit because I can't see my feet. How do other pregnant women even wear cute shoes?? My feet and fingers sausages are so swollen, I can hardly wear socks and I mostly can't wear my rings.
And that bit everyone keeps mentioning about how lucky I am to be pregnant in winter? The downside to my face (body) not melting off is that flip flops are not quite an option... yay winter. said no one ever.
So, yeah, some if it is really not a lot of fun. I mean, who wants to go shopping when you feel like poo? Or when you discover that clothing companies think maternity means ugly prints in weird cuts (what is it with the extra-wide shouldered tank/ sleeveless shirts, color block prints and random ruffles?!) that no non-pregnant person would ever wear.
No one likes waking up in the middle of the night to pee, because the baby is kicking, or Just Because.
I won't get into the weirdness with food.
except to say that the food I like, I love.
It has never tasted so good.
I want to eat twelve of them. It doesn't matter what it is today, because it may not be the same tomorrow. I wish I could say it's carrots that are deliciously enticing. But I'm evidently not one of those women. (Do they even exist?!) That girl went the way of my pre-preggers self.
No, my food crush is usually ice cream, cookies, or something else that does not constitute a meal in Pregnancy Land.
On the plus side, I am growing a baby.
And this is a really huge plus.
I no longer think of him a a parasite, and am starting to dream of having him snuggled up against my chest. I wonder what he is doing inside of me. What is it that keeps him so busy?
Aaaand now I'm crying happy tears.
What? Did I forgot to mention the random crying?
Excuse me while I go inhale some more ice cream.