Diet-schmiet

I spent a few hours today discussing diets with other boot camp instructors. 

I was prepared to hate it. As in, go head to head with the lead instructor, spitting fire. 

Call it my desire to give the middle finger to the establishment if you want, but I've been a non-meat eater for almost all of my adult life. I was a vegan for 3 years. I now eat fish, eggs and cheese in addition to plants. Oh, and honey. I love me some honey. I missed the shit out of honey when I was vegan.

Anyhow, three years ago I started having pain in my wrists. It varied from a dull ache to incapacitating. 

The pain started spreading to other joints while I was in Virginia for work camp in July. By the time I returned home in August, I was in constant pain. I was also going to the bathroom 15+ times a day. I had no idea it was possible to be so full of shit. My energy disappeared. As in, I had a hard time standing up.

I stopped eating.

I didn't have the energy to chew. After five days without food (I drank a lot of water), the trips to the bathroom decreased and I started craving apples. After biting into that first juicy apple, my appetite returned. Sort of.

I was happy eating fruit, and some vegetables. As I reached for my favorite comfort foods, though, I started feeling horrible all over again. 

And then my sister came across a quiz about being gluten free. 

It changed my life.

Going gluten free has meant that I can live without pain. I also can live outside of the bathroom, which is nice. I can't say exactly what my issue is, since I wasn't diagnosed by a physician (no health insurance, fear of pre-existing conditions... I realize I don't have to worry about that anymore (Thank you President Obama!)), but I do know that after about three weeks of feeling better, I went to church and had Communion. Within fifteen minutes, I had a fever and my joints were aching. I went home and slept it off. 

Several months later, I had lunch with a friend before going to my sister's house. In the car, the fever and joint pain returned. This time, though, I was confused. I couldn't figure out where my sister lived. It took forever to type her address into my phone, and then I still couldn't figure out which way to go. My heart was racing as my frustration level rose. I knew where I was, but couldn't follow a map. I finally ended up driving home (still don't know how I figured out how to get home!).

The next time my reaction happened, I was at a bowling alley with my siblings and our significant others. The fever, joint pain, and panic returned, along with a swollen tongue. I couldn't speak to explain what was happening to me. Not having a doctor to give me an epi pen, I did the next best thing: I started carrying Benadryl with me.

The most recent reaction was in Decatur, a year ago. I was having dinner with some friends and had to leave early because I couldn't breathe. Not gonna lie: it was scary. I didn't have the Benadryl with me. My reaction at this restaurant seemed to confirm my suspicion that I am allergic to wheat. Or something like it. Something commonly found alongside it.

(I totally cheat on this. After going two years without beer, I broke down. It was amazing. And I had no reaction. I also don't have a problem with soy sauce. Weird, right?)

So I'm gluten free (-ish).

The seminar today promised to go over the "fad" (Stupidest word ever. Say it five times fast. Stupid, yes?) of gluten free diets and the idiocy that is the Paleo diet. I was seriously ready to punch someone. 

Fad? Really? An average of 1 out of 133 people has a wheat problem. How is that a fad? 

And Paleo? People weren't even around during the paleolithic era. Stupid. (I choose not to go into this abyss right now because I fear I'll never come out. Stupid.)

I was very pleased to find that the leader had done some homework on diets. By this, I mean she came to the conclusion I did: diets are stupid. (And they don't work. Er, they do, but then we stop the diet, and go back to the way we were, and then get frustrated.)

And so I didn't have to cut anyone. Which was a good thing because I left my shiv at home.